I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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