i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
