two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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