the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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