By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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