I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
