Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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