my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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