nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
