apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
