I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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