So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
