My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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