i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize