I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
