if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
