I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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