Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
