I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I can't put those talents on a resume
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
