I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
