Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
