How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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