I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
