Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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