the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
