I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
