Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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