My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
