I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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