Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
