I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize