Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think a kid would responsible me up
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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