I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
