Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
