I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
