There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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