She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize