Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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