i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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