Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
