the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
