I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
