Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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