Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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