Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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