There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
