can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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