You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
