I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
