I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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