I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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