gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
