her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
