I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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