My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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