I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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