First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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