you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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