She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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