remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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