in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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