Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
